Hark! Here is an accidental gallery filled with photos that perhaps would have been better with a running commentary. But the enormous, bewildering mac had other ideas and so there you have it – instagrammed photos of cakes and me at the hairdressers and boys cutting up vegetables in order to make toothpick and cucumber sculptures. That is apparently a vegetable motor bike. But you knew that.
And below, a photo of the genius baby who won’t wear nappies, only big boy underpants. Even to bed. So we have to affix a nappy AFTER he has put his knickers on. It is complicated, and a bit weesy in the morning, and requires lots of patience and negotiation. In the day, he runs about in his brother’s pants, or naked, with frequent visits to the potty. He returns, triumphant, shows us his efforts and then asks for a handful from the lolly tin. All of this has very little to do with me. He is a Toilet Training MASTER. A motivated self-starter with excellent thighs.
Here he is, feeding the duck at the Serpentine. There was only one duck. And it was on the weekend, where the weather went mental and we all got softly, nicely pink and everyone was happy.
And so what else? There has been many late nights. Dinner at Sketch, an art workshop at The Hayward Gallery, a night at the Southbank applauding tightrope walkers and contortionists, The Rocket in Acton which was extremely hard to find when not in a car – the bus took us to an industrial wasteland where there were NO CABS – (just LOOK at our faces! Actually, my excellently-applied Tom Ford lips steals the show, really, to be PERFECTLY FAIR)
and this incredible school fundraiser in Soho on Sunday where we all got to eat food from The Ivy, Peter Gordon, St John, Quo Vardis, MeatWagon, etc etc and the children played with knives and made the aforementioned vegetable motorbikes. And got their faces painted for free. WHAT an excellent city to live in, eh? And all of these late nights have cheered me up and made me feel very pleased about the world. So all is right with me, and my head, thank goodness.
And tomorrow is a sample sale day. Oh, how I love a sample sale. I am dropping off the children to school and nursery, flicking the (hopefully nappy-clad) baby off to kmmms and then legging it to WC2 for Erdem, Joseph and Alexander McQueen. Ahhhhhhhhhh! And my new jogging body may just fit into something. Maybe. The lumpen bits behind my knees are slowly disappearing but my upper arms refuse to shrink. My husband says that’s because I am not actually using them when I slowly, painfully jog through that park, flicking plane-tree detritus and spit from my sodden pink face, while I attempt to ignore the Bad Voice in my head telling me to Walk! Just walk, dude! No one will know! But of course, the RunKeeper app will know. That little devil records every step I take and every calorie I burn and now I am becoming someone who discusses how many calories I use up when I do the school run. Sincerest apologies, everyone, because I hate that kind of talk. And anyway, I DO use my arms, when I swing them lustily to help propel me along. There should be some muscles developing very soon, to be sure.
Along with calorie-counting mind-numbing talk, here is a list of Other Things I Also Cannot Abide:
1. People who say “whilst”
2. Being able to see toilet brushes
3. Fish (as you know)
4. Emoticons and text speak
5. Pizza Hut
8. That Movies For Men channel on Sky
10. Health & Safety
On number 10, I am annoyed by the fact that the baby gets in trouble when he climbs the climbing frame at school. I get told to pull him off, one clinging, desperate arm by another clinging desperate arm, then little tentacle leg after tentacle leg, because the school is not insured for anyone to play on the equipment after school hours. It is about a foot high. That kid can climb, and I am not going to sue. There is something so terribly odd about stopping a kid playing on the playing equipment. Anyhoo.
Any other extremely irritating things that make you want to come over all Michael Douglas in Breaking Down?