whoops a gallery

Hark! Here is an accidental gallery filled with photos that perhaps would have been better with a running commentary. But the enormous, bewildering mac had other ideas and so there you have it – instagrammed photos of cakes and me at the hairdressers and boys cutting up vegetables in order to make toothpick and cucumber sculptures. That is apparently a vegetable motor bike. But you knew that.

And below, a photo of the genius baby who won’t wear nappies, only big boy underpants. Even to bed. So we have to affix a nappy AFTER he has put his knickers on. It is complicated, and a bit weesy in the morning, and requires lots of patience and negotiation. In the day, he runs about in his brother’s pants, or naked, with frequent visits to the potty. He returns, triumphant, shows us his efforts and then asks for a handful from the lolly tin. All of this has very little to do with me. He is a Toilet Training MASTER. A motivated self-starter with excellent thighs.

Here he is, feeding the duck at the Serpentine. There was only one duck. And it was on the weekend, where the weather went mental and we all got softly, nicely pink and everyone was happy.

And so what else? There has been many late nights. Dinner at Sketch, an art workshop at The Hayward Gallery, a night at the Southbank applauding tightrope walkers and contortionists, The Rocket in Acton which was extremely hard to find when not in a car – the bus took us to an industrial wasteland where there were NO CABS – (just LOOK at our faces! Actually, my excellently-applied Tom Ford lips steals the show, really, to be PERFECTLY FAIR)

and this incredible school fundraiser in Soho on Sunday where we all got to eat food from The Ivy, Peter Gordon, St John, Quo Vardis, MeatWagon, etc etc and the children played with knives and made the aforementioned vegetable motorbikes. And got their faces painted for free. WHAT an excellent city to live in, eh? And all of these late nights have cheered me up and made me feel very pleased about the world. So all is right with me, and my head, thank goodness.

And tomorrow is a sample sale day. Oh, how I love a sample sale. I am dropping off the children to school and nursery, flicking the (hopefully nappy-clad) baby off to kmmms and then legging it to WC2 for Erdem, Joseph and Alexander McQueen. Ahhhhhhhhhh! And my new jogging body may just fit into something. Maybe. The lumpen bits behind my knees are slowly disappearing but my upper arms refuse to shrink. My husband says that’s because I am not actually using them when I slowly, painfully jog through that park, flicking plane-tree detritus and spit from my sodden pink face, while I attempt to ignore the Bad Voice in my head telling me to Walk! Just walk, dude! No one will know! But of course, the RunKeeper app will know. That little devil records every step I take and every calorie I burn and now I am becoming someone who discusses how many calories I use up  when I do the school run. Sincerest apologies, everyone, because I hate that kind of talk. And anyway, I DO use my arms, when I swing them lustily to help propel me along. There should be some muscles developing very soon, to be sure.

Along with calorie-counting mind-numbing talk, here is a list of Other Things I Also Cannot Abide:

1. People who say “whilst”

2. Being able to see toilet brushes

3. Fish (as you know)

4. Emoticons and text speak

5. Pizza Hut

6. Poems

7. Lipliner

8. That Movies For Men channel on Sky

9. Running

10. Health & Safety

On number 10, I am annoyed by the fact that the baby gets in trouble when he climbs the climbing frame at school. I get told to pull him off, one clinging, desperate arm by another clinging desperate arm, then little tentacle leg after tentacle leg, because the school is not insured for anyone to play on the equipment after school hours. It is about a foot high. That kid can climb, and I am not going to sue. There is something so terribly odd about stopping a kid playing on the playing equipment. Anyhoo.

Any other extremely irritating things that make you want to come over all Michael Douglas in Breaking Down?

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8 Responses to whoops a gallery

  1. Kerry says:

    People wanting to “touch base” with me. Drives me bonkers it does. Why don’t they just say “I’ll call you”?

    Excellent photo gallery and I think you need to take a photo of Neddy and impose your superb one liner about him being a self starter with excellent thighs. Sort of like a concise summary of a gameshow contestant on a website. Taya might be something like “Angel-faced rascal with slow-growing hair”
    I’m not sure what I would be. Does this even make any sense? I am very tired.

  2. KH says:

    Use of myself and yourself all over the place.

  3. Erin says:

    Granularity and ‘reach out’ are also bad.

  4. Your story about having to peel the baby off the climbing frame reminds me why I had to come home. I loved London, but they didn’t always understand about playgrounds. Then we moved to the West Coast (South Island) where the playground is beside a flowing river which sometimes floods and there are no fences or anything except a paddling pool which also has no fences. Cue culture shock in the opposite direction.

  5. Victoria says:

    Yep, I am that person guilty of saying ‘whilst’, but actually tend to use it more in written things, as saying it outloud could alienate me!

    toilet brushes are just wrong! There should be some kind of disposable type as once used they are never the same again, and toddlers fiddle with them too much!

    Love fish, sorry! the smell does not bother me but tinned mackeral/tuna etc or worse still pilchards, makes me feel sick.

    I resisted text speak for as long as I could, butit does save time. What I cannot abide it the use of ‘LOL’, hate it!

    Yep pizza hut is awful, just awful – pizza express for the children anytime.

    Poems are just not my thing, unless they are rude.

    Lipliner reminds me of the 90’s, with lipgloss – have not owned one since.

    My husband is often found watching the movies for men channel, Dolph Lungren, Wesley Snipes, Van Damm – just too awful for words and yet he continues to gawp at them, big explosions, macho men AAARRRHHH.

    I don’t run, I ‘power walk’ albeit oddly and as if I am about to break into a jog – i am not a pro and it shows!

    H&S, yep I tend to stand back and believe if they are crying then they are at least alive! I too have been told off for letting my kids on the play equipment after school hours – they are drawn to it naturally, and I find it makes no senseat thefloor is lined in bark and really, waht is the worst that could happen?

  6. Gem says:

    When people “think outside the box” and young members of staff say “what can I get you guys”. They said that once to my 80 year old aunt. Made my knuckles itch…

  7. Jessica says:

    1. People who say “learnings” instead of “lessons”
    2. “A whole nother”
    3. Those people who, when you are walking behind them, somehow take up the entire footpath even though they are no larger than your average person
    4. Cars parked on footpaths
    5. Car seat straps that are always getting twisted up. I mean in this day & age, how hard can it be to make untwistable car seat straps? I am getting annoyed just thinking about them.

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