[OUCH MY TOOTH]
I had my third root canal filling yesterday, and it was so much ouchier than I remembered being the first two times. And this one cost me £500, and this one is giving me a big fat old lady headache and causing me to eat nurofen like a foodstuff. The lovely dentist told me yesterday not to eat for two hours after the injection and the drilling, because “your mouth will be very numb and you will eat your own inner lip” but it was lunchtime and I was needing a distraction and so I ate a sandwich and I did eat some of my inner lip, just as the sage dentist had warned. It was very wonkily swollen from my own little ratty teeth-marks, and a friend thought I had had lip plumping. Ha! No. Not collagen, dude, but blood and bitten tissue and PAIN. I was smiling like half a Milanese dowager. Anyway, AS IF I would be so vain as to get collagen! Ha! Ha. Ahem. Not this month, anyway, because all of my spare cash has gone into paying for my root canal. Well, Mark’s spare cash, because I am both
1. unemployed, and
2. have no money of my own.
None. Except for my ebay money, which had risen to the hefty paypal balance of £400.00, until I blew it on a YSL belt that is too tight, a Marni woolly jumper, a YSL red blazer which smells of wet, slightly rancid NUDE skincare products, a Karen Walker necklace, and maybe, if I win the auction, an Erdem summer mac. Handy for the torrential rain we are having, and which is turning my hair all curly-like.
[OUCH MY TOOTH]
Anyway, my lovely husband updated his Facebook profile. He logs in twice a year, fiddles with it a bit, adds a photo or two, stalks people, then walks away. This time, he added this photo:
Long-lost friends may just check out Mark’s profile, to see how he did in the life/wife-stakes. This is the only photo of me that he has on his profile.
Yes! Yes, that is my wife. Yes, she does have WORKING EYES. No, she often USES them. It was just SUNNY that day. And I forced her to peer into the sun.
So that was quite awesome. Want some more unedited-previously-unpublished-for-very- obvious-reasons shots? Why not. Here’s a bit of wonky-face, roundy-pregnant face, double-chinned profile, enormous arms, big dumb glasses, sleepy eyes, dim-witted eyes.
And here is a photograph of Ned The Newly Vicious, whose hair I brushed, and then I saw that he is like a spooky small Andy Warhol.
I tried to photograph him with a Campbell’s soup can in his fat little violent fists, but we had none. Only Heinz Baked Beans, which was taking a bit of a liberty, I thought.
More Thoughts That Don’t Fit Very Well Into The Body Of The Text:
1. Kate Moss looked a bit ordinary in her wedding dress
2. “Wayne” is a dreadful name to call a baby
3. I have changed my mind about changing my mind about a fifth baby. I do want one. But you knew that.
4. The kids keep taking small bites out of the nectarines then putting them back into the fruitbowl. Illicit fruit-sampling, if you will. It is bringing the fruit flies around, and it makes me very cranky.
5. Seen “Bridesmaids” yet? I am that harrassed woman with the three boys and the blanket. Except I have more sons than her, and I am mostly not a lesbian. Mostly.
And there you have it. It is clearly time for me to much some more ibuprofen washed down with a V&T. Who needs consciousness, anyway? Til next time.
[OUCH MY TOOTH]