[OUCH MY TOOTH]
I had my third root canal filling yesterday, and it was so much ouchier than I remembered being the first two times. And this one cost me £500, and this one is giving me a big fat old lady headache and causing me to eat nurofen like a foodstuff. The lovely dentist told me yesterday not to eat for two hours after the injection and the drilling, because “your mouth will be very numb and you will eat your own inner lip” but it was lunchtime and I was needing a distraction and so I ate a sandwich and I did eat some of my inner lip, just as the sage dentist had warned. It was very wonkily swollen from my own little ratty teeth-marks, and a friend thought I had had lip plumping. Ha! No. Not collagen, dude, but blood and bitten tissue and PAIN. I was smiling like half a Milanese dowager. Anyway, AS IF I would be so vain as to get collagen! Ha! Ha. Ahem. Not this month, anyway, because all of my spare cash has gone into paying for my root canal. Well, Mark’s spare cash, because I am both
1. unemployed, and
2. have no money of my own.
None. Except for my ebay money, which had risen to the hefty paypal balance of £400.00, until I blew it on a YSL belt that is too tight, a Marni woolly jumper, a YSL red blazer which smells of wet, slightly rancid NUDE skincare products, a Karen Walker necklace, and maybe, if I win the auction, an Erdem summer mac. Handy for the torrential rain we are having, and which is turning my hair all curly-like.
[OUCH MY TOOTH]
Anyway, my lovely husband updated his Facebook profile. He logs in twice a year, fiddles with it a bit, adds a photo or two, stalks people, then walks away. This time, he added this photo:
Long-lost friends may just check out Mark’s profile, to see how he did in the life/wife-stakes. This is the only photo of me that he has on his profile.
Yes! Yes, that is my wife. Yes, she does have WORKING EYES. No, she often USES them. It was just SUNNY that day. And I forced her to peer into the sun.
So that was quite awesome. Want some more unedited-previously-unpublished-for-very- obvious-reasons shots? Why not. Here’s a bit of wonky-face, roundy-pregnant face, double-chinned profile, enormous arms, big dumb glasses, sleepy eyes, dim-witted eyes.
And on and on to an unpleasant infinitum. Never let it be said that I am either photogenic or vain.
And here is a photograph of Ned The Newly Vicious, whose hair I brushed, and then I saw that he is like a spooky small Andy Warhol.
I tried to photograph him with a Campbell’s soup can in his fat little violent fists, but we had none. Only Heinz Baked Beans, which was taking a bit of a liberty, I thought.
More Thoughts That Don’t Fit Very Well Into The Body Of The Text:
1. Kate Moss looked a bit ordinary in her wedding dress
2. “Wayne” is a dreadful name to call a baby
3. I have changed my mind about changing my mind about a fifth baby. I do want one. But you knew that.
4. The kids keep taking small bites out of the nectarines then putting them back into the fruitbowl. Illicit fruit-sampling, if you will. It is bringing the fruit flies around, and it makes me very cranky.
5. Seen “Bridesmaids” yet? I am that harrassed woman with the three boys and the blanket. Except I have more sons than her, and I am mostly not a lesbian. Mostly.
And there you have it. It is clearly time for me to much some more ibuprofen washed down with a V&T. Who needs consciousness, anyway? Til next time.
[OUCH MY TOOTH]
The Harridan 
You make me snort with laughter (and nearly bring my coffee out my nose).
Thank you! What a cheering mental picture!
Charlotte keeps asking me why I am laughing so much. Lovely to wake up to a hilarious new Harridan post. I hope your tooth feels better soon.
Thank you. I am much better, because I am on a lovely cocktail of drugs and antibiotics. And my face is twice the size it should be. You should see me and my extra cheek! It would be funny if it wasn’t so BLOODY SORE. Tell Charlotte her hair is extremely excellent x
Oh god that photo! Darling, you do not look like that. If it’s any consolation, I discovered last year that H had taken a photo of me emerging form the sea in my tankini. I looked like a frickin’ walrus. He acted all surprised as I made him delete it. Therefore, I propose a new man-rule: no photos of your partner with even so much as one foot in the sea. And no swimwear shots.
I do not look like a squinty bald lady-fish in real life, you are right. I am glad it is not just me who takes bad sea-photos and not just me whose husband seems not to see the inappropriateness of posting such monstrosities on social networking sites. No manners. I like your new man-rule and I shall go hither and tell Mark that the madness must end. See you at the launch, oh glamorous lady!
Oh no! I feel your pain my dear. With my first root canal, the dentist discovered that *five* injections had not numbed me, so on the sixth try, the tooth was drilled to the nerve – in vivid, full-colour sensation – and the anaesthetic employed therein. Then about 15 years later, I paid just under a grand for the privilege of having the damned thing exhumed, as one of the roots hadn’t been attended to and was percolating under there like a bacterial land mine. Hurrah.
I can see why when offered a complete extraction and full dentures on the NHS of the past, a lot of older people went for it.
Feel better! x
Oh no, you are KIDDING! five injections? I am weeping on the inside with the awfulness of that. You poor, poor, traumatised soul! Ouch. OUCH!
To be fair, my mum was looking after me and I did not have to mother many small children in the midst of my suffering, so you’re a bit of a hero really.
I use that Sensodyne toothpaste for sensitive teeth – I had a fucking awful toothache that my poor dentist could only suggest extraction as the Final Solution. Using this toothpaste and mouthwash (name escapes me, but tastes of hospital toilet floors) has restored mouth to normality.
You look lovely in your pix. I cannot believe you are mother of several small boys and an ebay habit.
My facebook page has just been updated with a shot or two of me cuddling my son on holiday – only to notice (post upload) that the little bastard is pretending to be DEAD in all of them. Social services visit imminent.
Wayne is a terrible name to give to a child. Especially a girl.
You need a new baby because Ned will be staying in Australia with me as I will steal him away, he is SO gorgeous. He obviously takes after his Mum …..
There are remedies for that kind of ouchiness you know – arnica, hypericum, heclalava. Next time ask me!! Sarah