I fell over today in the scrambly little sharp devil-pebbles at the gate of the garden and I have a blackened, bloody weepy knee like those children of mine are constantly sporting. For once, I feel a bit sympathetic. And they do not usually have a few glasses of Hardy’s Sparkling Rose buffering them from the pain. I managed to keep the baby from smashing face first into the shards of evil spiky stones, but only through some primal mother-instinct that came out of nowhere like a Superhero reflex I did not know I possessed. I am feeling quite sorry for myself.

I also did not know I possessed Occasion-Specific Tourette’s Syndrome. Apparently I do. On Tuesday morning, Noah’s new teacher came for a home visit. I had spent the entire morning sort-of cleaning up, but getting sidetracked into tidying piles of magazines in obscure corners and wiping out cupboards and folding stuff, and not really actually making the living room any better. Because, as everyone who has pesky children knows, the little buggers wreak such havoc of a morning and there is a lot of filth to deal with. They sprinkle Special K over the floor and always, always tip their water over the  kitchen table frighteningly near the Mac and there are toast crumbs spread disproportionately widely, as well as flung nighttime nappies and sharp crucial bits of Lego that bruise the undersides of our feet and make us wild-eyed  and snarly.

And I was nervous, even though Noah’s new teacher is Barnaby’s existing teacher and I see her every day – I was nervous, and slow and a little bit domestically unfocused. And they were early, Gramatically-Challenged Miss L and her sidekick, Camp Mr F. And I got excited, and started to swear. I was throwing mildly fruity terms into polite conversation like this:

“Oh, it is bloody raining, is it?” and

“Here is Baby Ned. He is lovely, but always pissing on the cushions” etc etc.

There was an uncontrollable urge to pepper my speech with inappropriateness. The urge won, and I was powerless to stem the tide of rude words. It was some kind of linguistic hell, which only got worse and more difficult to get out of when I began to discuss my interest in Botox and my theories about ageing. Miss L, it should be noted, is 24 and had no idea what I was waffling on about. Even the Camp Mr F was avoiding eye contact. He wrapped things up pretty quickly, by applying the old “as much as we would like to stay here and chat, we have other parents to see” one-two. Ouch. I am sure I was trying to be cool. Swearing & monologues concerning my increasingly unclear jawline = cool, obviously.

Yes. I am a bit of a dickhead and not my smoothest when I need to be. Oh, the shame of it all. I have a feeling there will be a handwritten note on the front of Barnaby and Noah’s files warning teaching staff of their mother who has a potty mouth and who may be a little unhinged (“avoid unnecessary conversation if possible”).

Here is Noah watching Beyonce on Youtube after scoffing a ChocoLeibnitz:

Here is Custard giving Ned a *loving hug*. These inevitably turn a bit squeezy and hurty.

They all at least understand the value of SILENCE.

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11 Responses to Ouch

  1. PaisleyJade says:

    haha – I am always left laughing and not sure what to write – but just wanted to say that.

  2. CLare says:

    When (if) i put together my CV (hahahahaha) I will swearig down as one of my ‘strengths’ as it is one of the few things I do well. I do it with vigour using appropriate language – what a skill.

    Yesterday on the school walk home with an extra playdate child in tow, we started to cross when the ‘green man’ appeared. A car full of teenage girls jumped the red light and went through the green man, sending us scurrying back to the pavement. Yes, JUMPED THE GREEN MAN. The Green Man – in whom ALL children place their trust that the ROAD IS SAFE.

    Aghast, I did what came completely naturally and in front of my children, their friends and all the other mothers and their children and a police car sorting out a traffic accident I shouted, nay, screamed “what the F*CK do you think you are F*CKING doing you F*CKING mentalists”.

    And I’m not even embarrassed.


  3. anya says:

    Oh me oh my, you are a crack up Jodz. That’s why we love ya.

  4. westendmum says:

    That was one of my greatest fears –falling whilst carrying a baby in a sling. Well saved! Sorry for your knees and Custard’s dags. Good on you for inappropriate swearing and being a flirt, (just been catching up on your blog – excellent).
    WEM xx

  5. Wow, I’m – well, I’m just shocked frankly by your foul, foul, despicable prisonyard language.

    I’m exactly like this, but in a more serious socially wrong way, when I want to be ‘keeping it real’ and er, unvarnished. I once (to be fair many years ago) learned that someone I knew was a plus-size model, and inside some tiny atrophied part of my brain, thought “She probably thinks that saying ‘plus-size’ or ‘larger’ is just a cop out. Keep it real.” So I used the word ‘fat,’ which I think was not at all more real or better in any way than a more polite term. Live and learn.

    Oh, mate – funny post.

  6. PS. I don’t use the phrase ‘keeping it real’ ever, except for effect, just now.

  7. Lisa says:

    That is too funny. I must make hubby read this so he sees how we can all be a little bit crazy sometimes.

  8. Cath says:

    Frankly I see a bit of swearing as f*cking essential.

  9. Sarah Clayton says:

    Hilarious. Your blog posts are always guaranteed to make me chuckle. Thank you for brightening my day!

  10. Alison Cross says:

    Oh that made me laugh – thank you!

    Swearing is character-forming AND good for your blood pressure 🙂

    My mum (72) has taken to the odd profanity when talking about her taxi-owning neighbour who reverses up his driveway at 2am with his headlights lighting up her bedroom. Everyone is too scared to say anything in case he’s got Friends With Guns Or Petrol Cans (as taxi owners tend to do).

    She always refers to him as a ‘fucking arsehole’ with the proper ‘ing’ on the end.

    We let her swear about him without chastising her or laughing. It’s effing and blinding about him or she’ll succumb to a stroke.

    Ali xxx

  11. Tutak says:

    Hey Harridan, for what it’s worth, camp Mr F likes you a lot. He said so to me, after the visit to your immaculate home. So the Tourette’s must have gone down well really.

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