Hilarious Question: What is chunky, slightly bilious, tired at 9pm and 9 weeks pregnant?
Hilarious Answer: Me.
Ithankyouverymuch. It turns out that Istanbul was not only good for rugs and apple tea, but also CONCEPTION. Happiness all round, not exactly misty-eyed romantic visions of the future and irrepressible excitement, but a general quiet hurrah. Questions do, however, linger, such as:
1. Is it illegal to have 5 small children sleeping in one room?
2. How will we get the children to school?
3. Is there such a thing as a compact three-seater buggy?
4. Will the police stop me owing to my small-children-girth taking up the whole of Bishop’s Bridge?
5. Will I ever turn into a lean running-type person who says no to carbs? [that is a general question about myself, not exactly related to a new baby, but I thought I would throw it in anyway, BECAUSE I AM TIRED OF BEING A BIT WOBBLY]
6. Are those whispered-about fifth delivery stories really true? Best not to think about it, really.
etc etc. All of which I should probably have posed before the Istanbul Incident (or, as it shall henceforth be known, the Turkey Basting). But anyway, recklessness is my kind of thing.
I went to the doctor and he weighed me and said I was a bit of an enormous fat elephant. That is what I heard, in any case. So I have been attempting ‘portion control” – you know, when you give yourself some cheese on toast, then halve it, then eat that small, lonely bit on your plate, then feel a bit sad, then later get so hungry you eat the children’s soggy roast potatoes that they have half-masticated and then you eat some cooking chocolate because you are so very hungry. So far, my brushes with portion control have been less than satisfactory. I have also been doing tricep dips. I have done about seven. And I walk to school ‘with intent’. Meanwhile, the small grape-sized baby has puffed me up to a discomforting level. And everything smells repulsive.
Enough about that. On the evenings that I do not go to bed at 8:59pm, we have been busy doing London cultural things. On Thursday we went to Bethnal Green, a small south London enclave best known for the Museum of Childhood and for a terrible air-raid-shelter-crush that killed 173 people in 1943. We were there for an odd event where we all sat in a big hall, in the pitch black, and listened to a blind couple from Mali called Amadou and Mariam sing loudly and enthusiastically with an even louder and more enthusiastic clanging band, in between a recorded story of their lives together. They also piped incense into the hall. It was loud, odd, and very disconcerting, sitting in the dark for an hour and a half amid a riot of african electro-folk. And we couldn’t find anywhere to eat, in the gastronomic wilderness that is Bethnal Green. Not even a friend chicken joint could be found.
The last night we had 22 people come over for Bonfire Night sausages and spit-roasted pork. It was lovely, except that our children did some biting of other children, and there was crisps on the carpet, orange juice spilled on the floor, a sick and silent Casper who fell asleep watching the fireworks in the garden, and hardly anyone ate my Nigella brownie. Which means I must, but of course I cannot, because of my new Eating-Plan-For-Non-Chunkiness.
And let us not forget Halloween, which is a bit of a big deal in this hemisphere. We had a party for the vampire-and-witchy-clad kids in a church hall which seemed a little incongruous, and I did some terrible face painting with a sharp little brush which must have taken layers of skin off those poor little formerly-smooth-skinned kids. They were wincing as I dragged the sharp bristles over their roundy cheeks.We then gatecrashed the lovely borough of Hammersmith for the trick or treating. Frankly, it is a better class of chocolate bar to be found there.
So, it has been all go go go. And now we are off to a friends house for an early dinner. She is Sri Lankan, and promises to feed the children with fried rice, and us with spicy national dishes. I will attempt to halve my plate. Or not, actually.
Oooh congrats Jodi! That’s lovely news. Seeing as they’ll be born a couple of weeks apart, maybe we can marry our offspring off? Will be tres, tres convenient.
Oh… that is a most excellent idea. we should meet up, compare pregnancy notes, and size each other up for possible genetic flaws. As soon as you stop feeling sick-tastic, that is xx
Congratulations!!!! Wouldn’t bother with portion control when you’re eating For Two. When I was pregnant, I remember rubbing my big tummy appreciatively while the Boy Doctor In Charge pointed out to me that my tummy was all me and very little baby. Cheeky sod. By the time Sonshine was born, I was the size of a Balkan State.
Hope you’re feeling fine. Post the Nigella stuff up to me. I have No Qualms about eating for two when not preggers 🙂
Thank you very much! Yes, the gut-expansion is an unsightly thing. I have only eaten two biscuits and seven chocolates today. Reining it in, Ali, reining it in.
Congratulations Foxy Mama!!
That is awesome news, really thrilled for you. But always wondering how on EARTH five kids will sleep in one room.
But Jesus was born in a stable, my mum keeps reminding me!!!!
Thank you! And yes, there is always the stable to focus on, when I get sweaty with the panic and fear. I figure one more kid in one more drawer won’t hurt…? Eeeeek.
Bravo! What exciting news! Needless to say I will not try to keep up with you anymore. 5 in a room is surely not illegal but I I think you are brave to attempt it!!! You could always come home if it all turns to custard (not casper!) and enjoy the green grass of a backyard RIGHT outside your door and the beach not far away either and boy cousins to play with!! Much love to you all!! xoxo PS Did you change the recipe????
I sort-of changed the recipe. As in, I knew what. Was supposed to do, but whether I was disciplined enough to carry it out will have to be seen. I do hope I get my last-chance-Anna, though. You are my inspiration!
Now your just showing off, surely. Congrats to you and Himself. Best try stack those travel cots then.
Yes’m. Thank you, I do like to one-up-manship when I can, you know. anyway, you should have another and then we can be 5kidseachSOULMATES! it will be awesome!
Congratulations!! That is so cool – and I think you look amazingly awesome for a mum of 4, soon to be 5!
Thank you! In true life, i really am getting on a bit, but I do try. Severe corsetry, lots of makeup and trips to the salon help. Anyway, I will be emailing you tips on how to get back into skinny jeans after this one. Xx
well go you, that is awesome news you guys are very lucky indeed enjoy it all and the drawer sounds perfect xx
Ohhhhh, a BAYbeeeee!!!!! Surely all you need is a really big chest of drawers – ? As they get bigger, you can shunt each one into a larger drawer. Sorted.
How exciting! Congrats! x
How lovely – congratulations!
Well done, now your “wobbly bits” will have a purpose, and an obligatory inflation. Can’t wait to see the photos.