Unfortunately, there is a song by The Wiggles, sung by the unlikely-but-truely-named Jeff Fatt, which goes like this:

“I eat grass

And I moo all day.

I’m a cow

I’m a cow.



There is nothing really noteworthy about this song other than we have a DVD of Jeff dressed up in a man-sized cow suit with udders while he sings, which has enchanted the children who ask for it twice daily. (I assent, because the flat is quieter that way.) He incidentally suffers from cow-esque uneven skin pigmentation, which must have been a bit of a boon for the makeup department when they painstakingly tried to transform him into a bovine approximation. Anyhoo, the point of all this is that I am oft to be found staring into middle distance, silently mouthing the words to “I’m a Cow”, at the supermarket, in the bank, mid-parent/teacher meeting. Jeff Fatt and his farm animal aspirations have taken up permanent residence in my head, much like Robbie Williams and Celine Dion do from time to time, and it is getting embarrassing.

I went to the Selfridges perfume department on Thursday to sniff the really expensive perfumes (because I have decided to leave the masses with their Thierry Mugler and their Calvin Klein – I want to really expensive stuff that smells like old leather couches and tobacco-stained tweed, baby) and when I had finished with the new Balmain the man gave me coffee beans to sniff. Because coffee clears your nose. It was like a sorbet, except for my nasal passages.

And watch out because here comes my latest OPRAH WINFREY LIGHTBULB MOMENT…

We need someone to invent something like that but for YOUR HEAD! A sorbet for your brain! Coffee beans for YOUR MUSICAL MEMORY! Ohhh, think of the implications – you could have an extra string dose to erase your mind of bad boyfriend choices! Unfortunate high school ball frocks! Ill-judged teenage stalking incidents! (Ahem. I assume we all have those?). Genius, isn’t it? I am just going to file that one neatly away in the mental folder I call “One Day It Wont Matter I Wasted My Tertiary Education On The Wrong Degree Because I Have Other Ways Of Making Money”.

Moving on, then.

Weekly Things What Happened Of Note:

1. I forgot to return the DVDs to Blockbuster. They called me up and told me, in bored, stoned, DVD Guy voices, that I now owe £21 in fines. We only even watched one of them! I felt very annoyed and wondered if I was supposed to plead with them to let it go. Then I figured that if I never ever go into Blockbuster again, anywhere in the world, not even once, they might not find me. Risky, and hardly Principled Living, but these are hard times.

2. I have a crush on Jason Bateman. It is because of Arrested Development. I think I love him.

3. We are off to the country today. Somewhere in deepest Epping. I think we need to buy a cake and expensive deli items to show we are good guests. But it all fills me with ennui. I do not think we are going to a manor house where there are servants and cocktail dresses and shooting parties. I think it is a bungalow in the suburbs. I will probably have to do the washing up.

Gotta go. Apparently we have to leave the house by ten. Yeah, like that’s EVER GOING TO HAPPEN. If you don’t hear back from me, you will know I am stuck in Epping, doing dishes for people I barely know. x

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3 Responses to Cow

  1. trashsparkle says:

    Oooh!!!!! I share your despair about the cow song – I desperately wanted, needed, to kill the Tweenies at the time and even had a running order of who would Get It First (Bella, Jake, Fizz, tho I would leave Milo a bit longer cos he was the coolest one).

    Oh yes, just drop them dvds in the letterbox and run, with your colour turned up, in the opposite direction to where you actually live. It will work – I’ve done it too! Actually, haven’t they just announced liquidation – oh, the guilt!!

    I sometimes long for a pause button so I can just hold those thoughts and come back to them later…can you incorporate one for me in the coffee-beans-mind-erase invention???

    Anyhows, I hope for your sake the bunglow people have a dishwasher, and that you all have a lovely time chez epping.

  2. Alison Cross says:

    I am prone to singing ‘I kissed a girl and I liked it’ which, on this island, can get you strung up by the heels and suspended from the nearest lamp post.

    I don’t mean to sing it. Like your cow song, it’s just one of my son’s favourites which is FINE cos he’s a wee boy and he’s supposed to want to kiss wee girls. But for ME to be caught singing it….exorcism awaits.

    Re visiting guests – wait until someone has started washing the dishes and then waft in and offer to do them. Works like a charm.

    Ali x

  3. Laura Phelps says:

    I also love Jason Bateman…but now I think it is you I love
    this was so funny
    I LOVE when I discover a new great blog!!!!

    so glad you left me a comment….what a treasure I have come upon!

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